Disclaimer: I’m not a saint. I’m barely even a person right now.

If you have read the previous post about being sick, you know life is pretty annoying for me right now. Constant nausea, dizziness and the fact I have to close my eyes to walk at my usual pace is now at the point where I want to tear someone’s head off. It’s tough, you have to reply to  “how are you?” with an answer that isn’t a frustrated emotional vomit…and the show goes on.

I was walking to my slave gig, briskly, closing my eyes a few steps at a time to get there early. I was making my way through a main part of town that is emptyish in the early morning.  The ground is flat, there aren’t any obstacles and the people walking around you have the same idea in mind – get to work efficiently, so everyone naturally moves out of your way and you move out of theirs with a minute change in pace or direction that even you barely notice as you’re doing it. It’s actually a nice stage to decompress if you’ve taken public transport or driven through peak hour traffic. Occasionally there will be someone on a bike or skateboard who hasn’t heeded the “dismount” signs but everything is usually relaxed.

Someone ran past me in a blur and then I heard collision. I wasn’t going to even turn to look. It sounded like someone tripped and maybe dropped a book or something because there was a slap sound too. It makes me almost throw up to look in a direction without turning my body but I looked anyway. I saw a girl in a dark school uniform on the floor in the seconds after a shock. She was on the ground in a strange position moving slowly like it was just hitting her that the ground had. I turned and got lower, feeling dizziness pang, and I started to ask, “are you okay?”

After the words were out I remembered I hate it when people do that; you’ve barely had time to register what’s just happened to you and people are asking if you are okay. (Fuck, dude, how do I even know yet?) My own accident a fortnight prior flashed in my head too, I’d fallen over and the mere shock and the contrast between a quiet early morning and abrupt halt and pain made me have to stay down on the road for a few seconds to get my bearings again.

I reached out my hand to help her up, not expecting her to actually take it. If she was okay, why would she need it? I also had this expectation for her to act differently, more what I’d expect from an adult; brush me off and laugh or need a second before the rescue to her feet, so I was retracting my hand when she grabbed my wrist and looked right at me. She was -maybe- 14 and she looked utterly shocked. I pulled her up to her feet the way I do when I’ve thrown my partner onto the mats in a martial arts class and she came up fast. I guess she wasn’t heavy? I guess I was also used to hauling mates up after throwing each other around so the pace and roughness don’t matter.

When she was on her feet her watery brown eyes and red face were distressed. She looked like she was going to cry, and I’ve been a school kid, that shit ain’t cool to do in front of people. There were others headed our way, the people who had been walking nearby and probably seen me pull her up once they came around the corner.

I was glad there was no one around when I fell over the other week, and I didn’t cry but I know I would have felt awkward if a hundred people rushed over. This girl looked confused, awkward and really sad. We kind of both came in for a hug then. I felt bad for her and knew what it was like, I was still scabby from my  own tumble, and she was more of a kid than when she was while she ran past with her messy brown bob bouncing.

In a nanosecond I felt like the right adult had picked her up.

The hug was only a second long but I said, “Don’t rush, it’s not worth it.”

I don’t know why I said that. I kind of wish I’d made a joke instead, but as an adult, I can say that advice shit now. I know why she was rushing; wearing a uniform, no makeup, kind of plain- looking, going to miss her train, time before school with her friends, maybe time to see some boy she is watching from far away that she will be too scared to ever talk to. Maybe she doesn’t want the embarrassment of walking into a class late and having the spotlight on her because bullies are mean.

But it’s not worth it, and I didn’t get that at her age, but I get it now.

Unfortunately, before I could offer to call her school and tell them she was going to be late etc other derro, yobo types were coming and I could see her eyes become more awake as she looked over my shoulder and pulled away. A man who smelled like cigarettes and talked with a growl told her that her shoelace was undone, came up to us and pointed at it, started telling her to slow down etc. Another man asked if she was okay and she literally started jogging away from everyone and towards her destination without looking back, eager to get away from the guys who probably shouldn’t have smelled of alcohol at 8am.

I hope it’s one of those things that if she ever thinks about, she remembers what I said and that a random lady helped her up. If she carries that piece of advice, imagine!

For me, I felt good. I still felt sick and dizzy etc but I was glad that I was able to pick her up and was someone that gave her a hug when she needed it.

 

Be kind. Whenever you can.

 

 

TLDR:

*Kid fell over.

*I feel like an adult.

*Be kind to people sometimes.

**Sign up to the newsletter that I am launching soon. Cos, why not?

 

 

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All content is no copyright infringement intended. All posts are opinion only and are subject to change due to experience, kicking ass and learning how to adult more effectively. If you don’t like it, don’t let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya. Elements of original content may be reproduced with expressed permission from Ever Eden.

It could be the most personal blog post so far.

 

Being sick is shit.

There is also no other word to assign justice to it. My mum pisses me off interrupting me when it’s been so hard to even talk with, “Don’t call it a relapse/ don’t say “sick.”Be more positive, it’s just a flare-up of a condition etc etc.”

I am fucking sick. There is no other word you can use in its place.

I’m nauseous. I am dizzy. I am uncoordinated. I am irritable. I am in pain. I am frustrated. Want me to say tired? No, it’s fatigue at a cellular level, I am not just tired and telling someone that you are tired makes them say “Well, wake up, here’s a Red Bull! come on!” or judging you, “Well, she was obviously up gaming all night, no wonder she is tired now.”

What you don’t get is it doesn’t matter what I do or don’t do. Even if I was up playing games, it doesn’t make a difference, it’s why I can do it. I’m so depleted that I can’t even tell if I’m tired or “normal” anymore so I just do my tasks in a day and hope not to pass out. It can be hell, especially if trying to work or make commitments. I can fall asleep ten minutes after waking up and still not feel rested the next time my eyes open. This means that I push through the heavy feeling because I can’t tell what it is, I’ll still be on my way to work tomorrow at 7:30, literally crying from being so tired or I won’t be and I only know that at about 7:15 the morning of. I will do my job and try not to screw up because the brain fog prevents me from being on the-the-ball sometimes. I laugh at myself when I miss something, wonder what impression I give people.

Here are some things I’ve noticed and felt like writing about:

The World Moves Without You.

If ever there was something that makes you feel forgotten, it’s this. It’s not the world’s fault, there are jobs, holidays, birthdays, things going ahead rain or shine. You’d probably be apart of the action too…but you’re not. Your ass be stuck at home watching crime docos on Youtube because it took all your energy just to move from bed to the chair. Social media makes it so you can stay in touch, give someone a “like” on their pic from the weekend, but it’s not the same as being there. Workplaces are required to handle your absence and your wellbeing but they have deadlines to meet, people to serve etc. Bigger bosses to appease.  Agreeing to shifts then being unable to fulfil them looks bad but it’s happening despite what you wish. Your friends made a message group on social media because they are meeting up for dinner and you’re getting all the notifications like “Hey, we are at the bar, where are we sitting?” You also get to see new people who started training your sport way after you advance rank and do things you can’t. It’s not being competitive or something, but a reminder of how time is passing you by. People are living their lives and your life is the four walls and artificial lighting around you.

The Broken Record You Sing

“I’d love to be there, I’m not sure I’ll be able to make it though. I’m really sorry, let me know how it goes! I hope you have a good birthday…post some pics on your profile.”
🙁  It. Sucks. You have no choice but to repeat a variation of this every few weeks. You know it’s getting to where they barely believe you anymore, or worse, where they will stop asking because you’re never available. I know I RSVPd a month ago but…I can’t drive now…and I don’t know how long for. The energy it takes to come up with something you haven’t said before, something that doesn’t give away private health details but tells them you are literally not okay to do anything a normal human can…is exhausting. And it never comes out right enough for you to stop thinking about how shit a person you are after you’ve said it.

Testing for a Laugh.

Your friend knows your plight but lets you do things so your weakness is proven. I find this happens with acquaintances who my strength terrifies. LOL you know, the person you couldn’t feel the same for. You remained friends anyway, and it’s been years but they still kinda hate you on some level. Thanks for watching me fall over while putting on my sneakers. Thanks for making me do things I’ve just told you I can’t, so you can have a giggle and save the day when it goes wrong. No, it’s not fake. No, it’s not fun, and shame on you.

People Legitimately Envy You/try to make you feel guilty/think they’re being funny.

You work short shifts, pack up and leave and someone will say “Ha! It’s all right for some!” as you pass them. Yeah, it’s so good!!!! Why don’t we trade lives? I can’t work longer, I’d like to some days, you know, be able to buy things I want or travel somewhere I’ve never been but, unfortunately, my body is attacking itself right now and the pain, lack of coordination and fatigue is bad enough that I have to close my eyes to be able to walk at my regular pace or I will veer off and fall over. I am not lucky that I have an “excuse” not to attend that thing you don’t want to go to either.

Explain Your Life in 15 Secs or Less

When a boss walking beside you in the hall asks about your illness and how you’re feeling. You can’t tell them 100%, you can’t even tell them 2% but you sure as shit have to say something and that something usually ends up slighting all you had to go through to be there. Today I told my boss I was having trouble tracking stuff because I was in a meeting with him and he was explaining contract changes and waving his hands while talking. I didn’t mention the nausea, headache, dizziness, pain, fatigue or other.  They can’t help, and I already made the decision to be at work so…there isn’t much anyone can do. Also, refer to the first point – you don’t want to let the team down or look like the weakest link either.

You Can’t Do the Things You Planned/have to push back dreams.

I can’t read at my usual pace or I become dizzy and want to throw up. Yup. Life’s great right now. That means editing or creating trailers for the books gets pushed back, it means I still can’t train, means I’m still not getting exercise and I’ve been losing muscle mass. I wanted to go on a road trip with a friend but looking around out of windows gives me a headache. Some craft gives me a headache because I have to concentrate hard. I sent a package off to someone and it was the best I could do, at this time, and I feel terrible because it looks like I just slung it together! I could have done it better/sent more stuff if just standing up didn’t make me want to vomit. I wanted to meet up with some new people I met online etc , hang out with my friend at that restaurant with the others for her birthday but noise, lights sounds, people to navigate…It just can’t happen.

Prep-Stylez Judgement

Life is on hold. My plans are all on hold. A lot of people are in the same situation because of Rona Boogeyman restrictions but it’s been elongated for me. I’ve been indoors unable to do the things I wanted, for a year at this point. A year. When people come over and see stocked-up items in my house there’s another reason. No, I didn’t raid supermarket shelves like corona idiots. I used to prep and also there are times when it’s hard for me to leave the house. When people come out of my bathroom and mention the spare soaps, toothpastes etc.  It’s not for the reasons you think. I had a brief reprieve for a couple of months this year where I worked on projects and managed to have dinner twice with friends, then it was back to this shit. Sooo ya those three tubes of toothpaste are necessary. Mind ya business.

“But you don’t look sick.” Yes. This cliche happens!

It has only been said ONCE to me (in those exact words) and a few times using different styles, eg: “I wouldn’t have known, you appear so healthy!”  This is not exactly a compliment…but okay.  The first time someone said that to me I was shocked. I didn’t know how to reply, “errr, thanks?” Is it my responsibility to educate people that others can be suffering without having a bandage on their leg or a bruise around their eye to prove it? It’s kind of sad to know there are a lot of people who haven’t spared a thought for those suffering mental illness too etc. It is cringe when you read about someone confronting a person using a disabled car bay, only to find they were wrong to accuse. How did they know they were wrong? That person on the receiving end had to prove it to them, a fucking nobody that now knows all their private medical information because they were an asshole for no reason.

No Give

I briefly wrote about an altercation here. A teenage girl decided I was walking down the stairs at the station too slowly. (I was actually trying to focus on the steps because I was so dizzy and I didn’t want to trip and mow people down.) She was behind me sighing and talking under her breath that “people should hurry the fuck up.” When everyone got down to the end and there was flat ground I mumbled, “What a rude little b*tch.” And she actually yelled at me, this skinny little 15(?) year old waif of a girl I could blow over, “Well, you were just fucking standing there!” Swallowing down the urge to knock her out, I realised that full-grown adults don’t consider someone might have health issues they can’t see, let alone a kid whose only concern is what Justin Bieber now does with his time.

I’m guilty of this too…stuck behind another car going too slow or the driver is making bad decisions and inconveniencing me. A wise man told me that “you just don’t know” what their problem is. I’ve been the girl driving home from an ex-boyfriend’s house barely able to see through tears, accidentally missing a green light. I’ve been the person that needs to pee so bad they step on the gas and switch lanes unexpectedly. Everyone has something going on some of the time. I know that when I walk to work, I have to keep pace with people, walk in a reasonably straight line, despite my symptoms dictating I should move at a snail’s pace. Some may say, take your time etc. But there is no give when you are actively being part of the world. This goes for people with severe mental illnesses too. Deviating from the norm makes you feel more alienated and creates a noticeable difference between you and the people around you, and we all want to be accepted on some level.

It’s taken me a decade to finally come to terms with the fact that this thing is a part of my identity. I HA T E when people use a diagnosis to identify themselves, as if all their shitty shortcomings can be swept away because they have a title. If you know me, you know I only disclose this stuff to certain people and not often. Because I have been a singer, performer, writer, artist, massage therapist, and more for LONGER. This thing is a sliver on my pie chart in my head…but sometimes…it’s a huge chunk in reality and it has taken a long time to accept that. It doesn’t mean it is fun.

 

 

 

TLDR

* I am angry.

* I am relapsing for the second obvious time this year.

*Being sick is not fun. At all.

*I had to Google the correct spelling of Justin Bieber’s name. (Because I am actually cool.)

*Sign up to the newsletter that I am launching soon. Cos, why not?

 

 

 

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All content is no copyright infringement intended. All posts are opinion only and are subject to change due to experience, kicking ass and learning how to adult more effectively. If you don’t like it, don’t let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya. Elements of original content may be reproduced with expressed permission from Ever Eden

 

In my country there have been cuts to the “arts” over the years. I was effected first time by this after having an art exhibition cancelled. I wasn’t the only artist  contributing to the annual exhibition but I’d done that for over a decade before the government funding was cut and it was scrapped forever.  People were bitterly disappointed as it was all some people looked forward to. The exhibition invited patients of the mental health care wing in a hospital to participate too,  and those people are the ones I feel bad for the most.

Art saves lives. Trust me on that.

I have an understanding I was born with; people are supposed to create. We have to do this or life is emptier and the world is missing something that maybe only you can do. When I showed MBF* my latest project he said something along the lines of how he appreciates that I’m always putting something into the world that didn’t really exist before. It got me thinking about a few posts I’ve read and my own attitude with local artists and vendors.

The other week a friend and I met for lunch and walked around some stores on a street that is known to be alive. There are cafe’s,  restaurants, boutiques and a hub for a few things like schools/colleges etc. My friend currently lives out of town and without much access to anything but essentials so her trips home are occasions to catch up with friends and family and buy stuff that she wasn’t as enamoured with while she lived here. We ate and walked around, ending up in a boutique/shop that sold random stuff: a section for incense, soaps and perfumes, clothing on racks by the walls and jewellery in the middle. There were earrings and necklaces – mostly cute and gimmicky, made from plastic. I’ve made similar decades ago and it was great, making shapes out of thin plastics and giving them away.

I flipped the tag over, muttering to my friend, “K, I’m not in the position to spend that much on plastic earrings right now.”

I really wasn’t in the position financially, and I was being bitchy to get a laugh…HOWEVER, some thoughts did enter my head:

–This is local art. The label isn’t fancy, this is someone starting a business, from this country, probably this city, trying their next venture. It is not cheap to do this, packaging, materials, legwork, time, distribution, getting it stocked in stores…It’s fucking awesome that I’m picking it up right now to try and make fun of myself. This is a great product that I know took a lot of energy and brainpower to make and nearly all of these sets are completely individual…I don’t know who made this, but this is great, and I’m coming back after payday to get some earrings. This is brave this is cool, this needs local shoppers to show their support.

–Some art (not all) starts from a low place and a tiny sliver of support goes so far to encourage someone to keep going.

Many of my creative endeavours have come from desperately trying to rebuild a castle from the ashes, wearing a mud-stained dress and trying not to cry so I don’t have to force myself to see through tears. When someone has bought something from me, art, craft etc it’s a spike of happiness in a shit week sometimes. Sometimes even a month. And the small amount you might make from the sale is not what makes you feel good because (for eg) an indie author unless you write 50 Shades of Grey stuff, you ain’t getting shiiiieet. It’s the fact someone saw potential in the art you slaved over and thought they would give you a chance, support someone on the ground level. I don’t think you forget things like that if you end up making a name for yourself later.

There are some people I wrote about here, who choose not to support you until a lot of other people they don’t know choose to. I suspect this is also why you hear stories about local bands dropping their old friends as soon as they become well known. It probably happens, maybe fame goes to their heads, but part of it has to be that you showed them you didn’t believe enough so when they hit it big they didn’t really factor you in anymore either, they figured you weren’t interested.

Some of my creative projects have come from just wanting/feeling like trying something new,  and having a circle of friends/community who are as excited as you is what you need. I am blessed to have people around me who believe in what I can do. And I have amazing and inspiring people to believe in as well. I know someone who is creating a comic, someone else who is in a successful band, I know someone who is on her way to be starring in some of the biggest broadway shows that will play in Australia. I went to a local art exhibition years ago to support a photographer friend and bought an amazing print from another artist who is now painting murals for businesses. (This woman is phenomenal.)  I have a friend who has just started a Vegan Leather business. This guy found out he was unable to get a specific item he needed and CREATED IT. *check this stuff out! I literally found out about it last night when we had a chat.

Always create, you can inspire others, give yourself some much-needed focus and self-esteem for a finished product.

Artists and authors don’t die.

 

 

TLDR
* Support local because you are supporting someone’s potential or dream.

*Always create stuff. It will make you feel better and it will inspire others too.

*Artist and authors don’t die.

*check out the people I’ve linked in this post or I’ll hit ya!

(*MBF , My Biggest Fan – Tongue in cheek nickname assigned to an old acquaintance who has always supported and wanted to know more about anything I tried my hand at,  ill-fated music projects, dramatic performance, songs, artworks, books…all of it. And this person creates his own comic art and projects, has done the whole time I’ve known him. He is into the offbeat, the fledgling and grassroots toilings of local artists and unknowns. That’s why his opinion means a lot to me, the way he looks at things inspires me to never stop creating.)

 

 

 

 

 

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All content is no copyright infringement intended. All posts are opinion only and are subject to change due to experience, kicking ass and learning how to adult more effectively. If you don’t like it, don’t let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya. Elements of original content may be reproduced with expressed permission from Ever Eden.

 

Again, like all these types of posts, if you are not a gamer…it still stands. Just stop yer bitchn and read.

Ever meet a bunch of people you get along with, laugh until you cry with, have stuff in common, talk to each other every day but…you don’t know their names?
Welcome to gaming.

Oh, how times have changed, people used to answer their phone not knowing who was calling, people dated someone they met IRL first. Sometimes people wrote each other letters!
There have been many arguments about whether online relationships/friendships etc are harmful and there  was probably a time where the majority of them were…but now that everything has moved online more or less, it’s like everyday life for some. I have made lifelong friends online, some of which moved to my city, because why not? I met (who I thought) was my forever person online, I’ve helped people by listening to their woes/reading their problems and giving advice or a listening ear and just messed around too.

I have a good gaming crew right now. I wanted to write about it because it’s funny how much you can appreciate people you have never met physically. It drives questions about what a relationship or friendship is. Do I realllly need to be able to hug my friend to be a good one? I think the answer is human touch and physicality is a nice addition(especially if you are in a “romantic relationship”  😉 eeeyyyy ) but the majority of friendship seems to need interaction, things in common, activities to do together and being available when your friend needs you. I would love to have dinner with my crew, visit their countries and party (thanks to corona boogeyman restrictions we can’t even do that if we were all in a position to meet up) but what we have now is awesome as is.

We buy each other games, talk about doing karaoke parties online and we send each other memes while bored at work.  We also help each other out with life’s shittiness. From a sick grandparent to breakups, we are there for each other with advice, commiseration, and also humour and distraction – all without having to wear pants. So how did I land this current gaming fam? It doesn’t always happen. Sometimes you meet good players who are skilled at the game or tactics…but not necessarily on how to be a decent person.

When you meet another good person online in a game – it makes everything more funnnn. When you meet two and the dynamics mean you all get along – even better…when you are rolling with three others people who are awesome, it is a miracle. At the moment I have a core group of 4 but there are three more people who play with us too sometimes and we all get along.

I was playing Overwatch around Christmas 2019 when I met a smurf. (A smurf is someone who is a high rank and really good but creates another account and looks like they are a n00b.) She was telling the team it was only her 2nd time playing, she was worried she wouldn’t do well. I told her to have fun and do her best, it’s not serious. At the end when she’d beaten my score, I messaged her and said…she was really good and “…I think you’re a liar :P”  And she told me the truth.

She was definitely not a new player. She’d been playing the game longer than I had.

Through her, I met her boyfriend and later when they went their separate ways, he and I were still playing together along with a few of his friends too. Add a few others we met online, and I had myself a crew of different nationalities, ages and genders that could sail the 7 seas and make dick jokes. I can say I’ve slaughtered beasts and robots with my friends, laughed until I’ve cried and woken up hoping they have a good day.

Lately we’re toiling on the game Sea of Thieves…sailing a ship on rough seas. *tip: if you have the graphics settings up high, it’s amazing watching out for Krakens, other pirates and storms…until someone tries blasting you with their cannonballs. The game requires someone to steer the ship, others to manoeuvre sails according to the wind, repair hulls and fight skeletons before you stop off at islands and buy things, discover treasure and meet mermaids. I’ve been exposed to a lot of different types of games the last year that I normally wouldn’t try, and this one surprised me. It’s pretty cool. I’m not sure how good it would be with people you don’t know, but grab a few fellow gamers you know and try it…

Create some memories,

You’re probably stuck at home anyway, right?

Work on your communication!

 

 

TLDR:
*Relationships with people online are very similar to those in real life, if you try. You cannot fake being a good person online either.

*My current crew is rad.

*Sea of Thieves is pretty good even if you just want to watch the waves and hope you don’t blow your crew up …again. :\

 

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All content is no copyright infringement intended. All posts are opinion only and are subject to change due to experience, kicking ass and learning how to adult more effectively. If you don’t like it, don’t let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya. Elements of original content may be reproduced with expressed permission from Ever Eden.