Cremation.

Rob went on walks towards the end. He thought this was an awesome place.

“What does lighting a candle symbolize?

The candle symbolizes light in the darkness of life especially individual life, illlumination; it is the symbol of holy illumination of the spirit of truth. Lit in times of death, they signify the light in the next world, and they represent Christ as the light.”

I asked Skynet/Google what it meant because I’d seen people do it all over the world but I didn’t get it. His mum texted me with the date and time of the cremation so I could apply the time difference and light one. I think it’s been this long because of Corona restrictions. He couldn’t even have people with him in hospital sometimes because the UK had very strict protocol around the Coof.

I’m writing this as his body is finally committed to flames. But I know that we are energy, and energy doesn’t die…it just changes forms.

Doesn’t mean I’m not crying like a toddler that dropped its icecream right now.

My friend, Rob,

I hope that you’re moving onto another place that’s better than here. You must have been very scared towards the end. You were too cool to say anything other than “it’ll be rate,” and change the subject, having just sent me pictures of bloody hospital gauze talking about the “agony” the latest procedure was.  I wish I hadn’t got as complacent because of that. I’d tell you to take it easy or to go to the hospital when you found yourself with swollen limbs etc but then you’d go in, sneak out of your ward, and come home.

Old school, stereo-typical English boy…cheeky, flirty, silly and a rude yobo streak, telling me how you and the lads were going to beat up people.

You’d tell me about the time you followed your favourite football *(soccer) team around Europe, having the best time and going to places I never will. You showed me the tattoo of their logo that you got when you were younger and you’d get me to choose who to bet on when they played other teams.

I always won that cash for you, didn’t I?! Despite telling you to stop making me choose because I didn’t want to lose the money for you. I didn’t know anything about soccer.

Sometimes we aren’t able to stop doing the things that have become a staple of our lives, even when we know we should. I wish that it didn’t happen that way. We were supposed to have a meal and drink together. You promised you wouldn’t die until they let us do that. I’ll have that nice guilty meal, and another shot for you tomorrow, even though I feel fat and ugly, lol I’ll try to think of you telling me I was “fit af.”

You once thanked me and said I’ve done more for you than I’ll ever know. Again, you got me through some of the loneliest times in my life too, as well as health issues. You knew what it was like to be sick but try and live a life anyway. I miss you, and all the nonsensical jokes and pictures. I’m also hoping your family can move forward now that this part is over, and they can begin to remember all the good times when the sad stuff subsides.

We will meet again…

and you will no doubt piss me off with all your dirty talk and stubbornness.

Thank you for being my friend. I will never forget you.