Dear JJ
February 6, 2020 12:18 pm Leave your thoughts
We’ll be meeting again very soon…
We started out as a fun thing. You were there in the background and I was off smashing kickshields and awkwardly punching the heavy bags. I’d seen a lot of the guys hang out with you, usually the tanned, muscled and Brazilian variety, but none of those things interested me. It was you. You were a bit of a mystery, and I wondered how you and I would get on together if we ever met.
My first real introduction to you later was a “why not?” scenario. A friend and I strolled over from the other side of the room and just thought we’d say hi and hang out for an hour. I’ll be honest, it was kind of weird to first meet you, but luckily by then I’d already experienced a lot of close contact with others due my time in the place…however, lying on my back with my legs apart was a new one in this setting. Lol 😉 #pullingguard
I was lucky that I didn’t have to approach you alone, and with the help of a couple of friends who were also curious about you, we hit it off over the next few weeks.
You were interesting, and you challenged me in nearly every way I could think of. First, I felt extremely inadequate, which I’d gotten used to feeling with all the other things I was doing there anyway, I was never a physical person, and all your other friends were seemingly so much better than me at understanding you…and they seemed to be able to do it so quickly.
I also thought I was too heavy, there was no competition weight bracket for where I was at, which made me think you didn’t have a place for me at all. I’m not that weight anymore, but I went through a lot of months sabotaging my own technique because I didn’t want to hurt others with my perceived weight and I also believed I wouldn’t be able to do it the way you wanted anyway.
You and I progressed slowly as I went through (and in and out of) an abusive relationship, work issues, health and family issues and dealt with many things that had nothing to do with you, but effected the way you and I interacted more than you would ever believe.
I often left in tears after being with you. I’d drive home a mess the whole journey, feeling that I’d disappointed you and also my friends, as well as myself, especially on the days where I was actually mentally present and gave 100%. Some days I’d arrive in the parking lot and sit there listening to the radio trying to convince myself to cross the road and say hello to you. Sometimes one of your good friends would see me and I’d smile and pretend I was just taking a long time before coming inside.
It finally hit me that I was close to being done with you, the time I came downstairs and was seen by your good friends and your best friend, the black belt coach. I even waved hello…then I turned around when I thought no one was looking and ran away to my car because I couldn’t spare the mental energy anymore.
I’m sorry.
I didn’t feel good enough and I was tired of the challenges you were giving me both physically and mentally, in addition to everything that was going on in other parts of my life. To be with you literally made me ill for days sometimes due to my illness, being with you comes at a personal cost…I’m not saying you weren’t/aren’t worth it, it was just very hard some days, even when things were good with us.
I tried to be confident and branch out into seeing you at other times of the day so I could hang out with you and different people at different skill levels, shake things up and renew my interest…
But I only did it once because I got teary during a roll (embarrassing as it may be.) Everything was getting to me, I was uncomfortable, underslept, sad about the current state of my life, and frustrated that despite the couple of years I’d been your friend, I still was unable to be good enough to call you my friend.
Right before that, I was rolling with a new student. Your black belt friend and an opponent’s boyfriend were standing over us and shouting her advice on how to win. It wasn’t personal, I understood that then, and obviously understand it now but on the day, it was just too much…and when the timer went off right before she was about to succeed, I was so relieved that I could just leave with the slight sliver of pride I was surprised I even possessed after the last few years of living my life.
I’d heard you crushed egos, and I’d always thought I was safe because I felt I had no confidence and was used to being low. Boy, you stomped that idea out fast and hard. THEN you continued…You showed me that I could be an asshole too.
Once I was hanging with you and there was a sexist guy with us. And you know me, I’m fair, I’m not some ‘feminist’ who hates the opposite sex, but he really was offensive. He was muttering to himself and then openly calling me a bitch while he and I were rolling, dropping cliches like “ladies first” beforehand and not being ironic or making a friendly joke about it. During our interaction, he wouldn’t tap. I was flaunting my love for a good Kata Gatame and he. would. not. tap.
I kept asking if he was okay when I felt him become less aggressive in my grip. He told me it was fine even though his voice was strained and I second-guessed my actions were working (even though I had applied it right and was looking forward to sending this idiot to the Shadowrealm.) Finally, he tapped before he went out. Then he stood up looking worse for wear and laughed saying, “Ya got me!” and tried to make it a joke.
I was angry and told him he needed to tap as soon as he felt he was in danger. But part of me was kind of pleased he’d tapped due to the choke because he’d been such a massive dickhead. #myego
I took a lot of time away from you, JJ. It was because I was going through serious family and health issues mostly, it wasn’t all you. The last time we saw each other, you and I hadn’t been together for awhile due to finance and my hospitalisation…and we both know nearly all of 2019 was a write off anyway because I was performing on stage too.
But I was looking forward to hanging out so much.
On my first day back, I saw you had new friends and a new black belt best friend. My other friends were sitting out towards the end of the 90mins and they (maybe unbeknownst to you or anyone else) often did that when you had new friends. When you get new friends, sometimes some of them can be rough, aggressive, kind of sexist, over-confident and arrogant. My ego (the one I thought I didn’t have) wanted to try and see how I would go with these tools. Unfortunately one of your new friends was over-zealous and I ended up with a fractured rib, separating me and you for a further 8 weeks.
Everything I’d read said I’d be out for 6 weeks, but being unable to breathe or lift things lasted longer for me, maybe age, maybe gender, maybe body composition, who knows. You’re a big chunk of what I thought about though…and I’d seemingly neglected you the last year so I felt pretty bad on a few levels. I was looking forward to working hard at ‘us’ again when my injury happened.
At the end of my recovery period and Christmas 2019, when I thought I’d return, more complicated health issues arose and I still haven’t seen you.
I miss you. I miss who I am when I’m talking about you, even when you frustrate the shit out of me. I miss also having you in common with my friends. I miss doing things the way you want and even (surprisingly) succeeding sometimes even when it’s really hard.
Disclaimer: I don’t miss accidentally eating other people’s sweat, their smelly clothes and wet chest hair, washing my gis, ripping my hair, not being able to sing after a good choke and more… 😀
I know we’ve taken longer to get to know each other than some of your other friends. It’s my fault, but the things happening to me weren’t, so I’m hoping you can forgive me and we can start again. When I come back, I’m not sure if I’ll be successful, but I’m going to try and put you high on my list of priorities again, and I’m going to try and see you a lot more often.
Until then, just know I’ve been thinking about you for months and I look forward to being in your company despite all the bruises, damaged hair, tears of frustration and horrible, horrible cardio work outs. Our story was cut short…but it is not finished.
Your friend forever,
Ever.