I Went Back
October 22, 2020 2:56 am Leave your thoughts
I went back to training.
I don’t kid myself, I was never super-talented at anything physical. Cliche, I was a bookworm, writer, singer, nerd in the corner who didn’t like sports or talking to people. There were reasons, but I didn’t get into anything unnecessarily physical or interactive in my younger years. I’m now an extrovert in all those personality tests(Myer Briggs etc) and in life as an adult. Certain situations growing up curbed the way I acted publicly. Occasionally this comes up but not all the time.
Martial Arts training was something I did to write better for Cleo. For eg; when she first made it to the page, she was proficient in Kali. The first versions of KOS had her beating the utter shit out of people with sticks in some amazing scenes I went on to draw in comic book form for a study course. Later versions of KOS had her change to weaponry more convenient to carry in an urban setting and my time of being enamoured with Kali/Escrima and nunchuck kata faded. When I first walked into my dojo, I was looking to do something different, that I’d wanted to do for years, but also to gain experience for my writing. I told one of my (awesome) instructors, when I met them, that I’m a musical/writing type and this was out of my scope. He told me he was musical too (found out he is a legit virtuoso) so it must have sounded like an excuse, but I really believed I had no business being in the building.
Imagination and writing are about inventing and adding artistic license/spin. You can write a reasonably convincing piece of work from good research alone. There are millions of forums, witness accounts, scientific evidence, pictures, media etc all over the internet that can help you describe being shot without actually taking a bullet, for eg. If you do your homework well, it usually works enough. But sometimes you want to live the real thing. Interpretations can be vastly different depending on who you are, so I don’t even take my own experience as the only norm when I subsequently use it in my books…but experiencing the general idea helps a lot.
I wanted to learn how it felt to use a technique and how it felt to be taken down, how I’d cope with the challenge and how I’d react mentally to this type of adversity. I walked out of there that first night feeling like I didn’t know shit and it was actually GOOD. The day after, I was excited and so motivated.
Lol Skip to now and training means: challenge, ego-check, discipline, goal, friendship, exercise, eye-openers into your own motivations and limits, experience in adversity, overcoming fear, mental strength, mindfulness, ideas for books…all of it.
I wouldn’t be the same person, I would not have seen myself through a lot of what’s happened to me if I didn’t have this because it has changed HOW I think.
Coming back is terrifying. Last night I almost cried. Ok, I did cry on the way home. I felt inadequate, unfit, and like I didn’t belong. I was thinking about being tapped by a young guy I’d never seen before- him being able to do the specific action because I was legitimately too weak to move. That wouldn’t have happened at the start of last year. And that’s not a flex, I was training more, 
things were coming together as muscle memory, I didn’t have to think about some movements. I probably would have avoided being in the position in the first place. My ego/sense of self(?) hurts, my positive and excited disposition waned with the exhaustion last night. When I left, I was a mess that needed copious amounts of Freddos.
Last night I told myself that not everyone there had to take a year off with brain injury and a broken bone, going from bed to the pc every day because I couldn’t do anything else. It’s going to take time to get back to the (still mediocre lol) level I was. It’s one thing to be told to go at your own pace and take it slow, but it doesn’t feel good when you struggle to keep up, and feel like you’re letting people down or frustrating them. Lol, it’s like I want to bring a blooper/showreel with me, behind the scenes footage from the last year; all the tears, stumbles, struggles with health and mental energy – look! This is why I suck!! I’m trying and I will be better soon, I promise!
Arrghhh, I’m still worthyyyyy!
But I needed that year off. Aside from injury, a fractured rib, nerve issues, hospitalisations, sudden abandonment by the LOML, the disintegration of all my future plans… I was tired of training too. The long drive there, traffic, the constant feeling of inadequacy, perception that everyone else was advancing in skill and I wasn’t, lack of focus, the pressure I put on myself. The year away has given me a new perspective that I hope doesn’t change. I feel mostly good to come back overall, but I know it won’t be easy. There are things my body is going to struggle with, maybe forever. Some of this was mortifying…I’d call it, and it wouldn’t come…no strength, technique…memory…It was disappointing and embarrassing…
A few coaches modified things, mindful of me just to get me started, and I appreciate that. I hope I can get up to an acceptable level soon and not be as awkward. I’m laughing at myself too; there were drills I. could.not.do. When I landed on my butt three times, I stayed down on the mats and just giggled. It was literally like a baby learning to walk, I’d do a few reps of something and BAM! A year ago it didn’t require effort. It requires muscle, balance and coordination I don’t have right now. The other two sessions involved getting bruised because my skin is weak and unconditioned and I missed the target I wanted (I connected with someone’s elbow. More than once.) I came home bruised and muscles aching everywhere for DAYS…but familiar and in the current state of the world and my own personal world…it was G O O D!
TLDR:
*I went back to training. It’s hard and I’m suffering some stuff that might be permanent.
*Psychology has to change to accept pushing limits won’t always reap results.
*Research is good, provided you do it well, but experience adds to your repertoire of things to describe.
*My foot hurts like a bitch. No idea what I did to it.
**Sign up to the newsletter that I am launching soon. Cos, why not? 😀
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Tags: author life, bjj, broken bone, bruises, Canadian cock, cc, challenge, cleo darkrose, dojo, ego, escrima, experience, familiarity, family, freddo, frustration, jitsu, jiujitsu, kali, kickboxing, limits, LOML, martial arts, mental health, psychology, reasearch, sick, sports psychology, tendons, time, trainig, welcome home