I’m Back
September 21, 2023 1:42 pm Leave your thoughts
This year has been the biggest adventure I’ve ever had. The cliched term “roller coaster” springs to mind but only because there are probably no words to describe it. Some people fall in a puddle and cry themselves to sleep every night, -I did that too… but your character is tested and remade when you suffer a miscarriage, abandonment of sorts, and were told to leave your job of ten years…all in less that 5 weeks. It’s tested with 6 planes and deep questions. It’s stretched to the breaking point.
When I first put pen to paper (yes, Cleo is that old) I wanted Cleo Darkrose to be a champion. She was going to be a kickass heroine with some faults, resolve that could be heavily tested and rarely fail. It was so powerful that it became a critical driving point in King of Spades. Cleo Darkrose struggled with being broken down in ways she hadn’t been previously, ways she was surprised could affect her.
I wanted to live vicariously too when I wrote her (just a little!) Cleo could do things that myself and my friends couldn’t; fire cool weapons and do almost-supernatural feats. I gave her a real-life emotional streak, humans can’t feel nothing all the time so I wanted her to have periodical/rare cracks in her stoicism.
It turns out her failures are mine too.
We’ve been so fucking strong that we forgot there was any other action available.
When you miss the boat for crying, (inconvenience, lack of privacy for a meltdown, another task that needs immediate attention before you can think about what you’ve just been through)…you swallow it down and then it’s gone. And…you get “stronger.” I don’t actually know what that means. Are you strong or are you numb? Is there a difference? And does it even matter? Time keeps moving, ready or not …and there’s too much I want to do and be a part of. The most important thing is that I KNOW HOW TO GET BACK UP and keep swinging, as long as I’m able, and I think that’s an important quality to have.
I took some time off to visit places I’d never been and do things I’d never do. I’ve met people different from me. I forgot that I could create and recreate my reality. It’s easy to fall in a rut where you just accept what’s dealt in your direction…and sometimes it hurts to try and go against that. But it will be worth it…if only for the blog post at the end.
Tags: america, butterflies, cleo darkrose, cowboys, firearms, freedom, future, grief, guns, IRL, jw, moving forward, new chapter, OpED, personal, plans, psychology, recovery, strength, thoughts, usa, Wisdom, yeehaw