Things I’ve learned about being SICK.
August 20, 2020 7:44 am Leave your thoughts
It could be the most personal blog post so far.
Being sick is shit.
There is also no other word to assign justice to it. My mum pisses me off interrupting me when it’s been so hard to even talk with, “Don’t call it a relapse/ don’t say “sick.”Be more positive, it’s just a flare-up of a condition etc etc.”
I am fucking sick. There is no other word you can use in its place.
I’m nauseous. I am dizzy. I am uncoordinated. I am irritable. I am in pain. I am frustrated. Want me to say tired? No, it’s fatigue at a cellular level, I am not just tired and telling someone that you are tired makes them say “Well, wake up, here’s a Red Bull! come on!” or judging you, “Well, she was obviously up gaming all night, no wonder she is tired now.”
What you don’t get is it doesn’t matter what I do or don’t do. Even if I was up playing games, it doesn’t make a difference, it’s why I can do it. I’m so depleted that I can’t even tell if I’m tired or “normal” anymore so I just do my tasks in a day and hope not to pass out. It can be hell, especially if trying to work or make commitments. I can fall asleep ten minutes after waking up and still not feel rested the next time my eyes open. This means that I push through the heavy feeling because I can’t tell what it is, I’ll still be on my way to work tomorrow at 7:30, literally crying from being so tired or I won’t be and I only know that at about 7:15 the morning of. I will do my job and try not to screw up because the brain fog prevents me from being on the-the-ball sometimes. I laugh at myself when I miss something, wonder what impression I give people.
Here are some things I’ve noticed and felt like writing about:
The World Moves Without You.
If ever there was something that makes you feel forgotten, it’s this. It’s not the world’s fault, there are jobs, holidays, birthdays, things going ahead rain or shine. You’d probably be apart of the action too…but you’re not. Your ass be stuck at home watching crime docos on Youtube because it took all your energy just to move from bed to the chair. Social media makes it so you can stay in touch, give someone a “like” on their pic from the weekend, but it’s not the same as being there. Workplaces are required to handle your absence and your wellbeing but they have deadlines to meet, people to serve etc. Bigger bosses to appease. Agreeing to shifts then being unable to fulfil them looks bad but it’s happening despite what you wish. Your friends made a message group on social media because they are meeting up for dinner and you’re getting all the notifications like “Hey, we are at the bar, where are we sitting?” You also get to see new people who started training your sport way after you advance rank and do things you can’t. It’s not being competitive or something, but a reminder of how time is passing you by. People are living their lives and your life is the four walls and artificial lighting around you.
The Broken Record You Sing
“I’d love to be there, I’m not sure I’ll be able to make it though. I’m really sorry, let me know how it goes! I hope you have a good birthday…post some pics on your profile.”
🙁 It. Sucks. You have no choice but to repeat a variation of this every few weeks. You know it’s getting to where they barely believe you anymore, or worse, where they will stop asking because you’re never available. I know I RSVPd a month ago but…I can’t drive now…and I don’t know how long for. The energy it takes to come up with something you haven’t said before, something that doesn’t give away private health details but tells them you are literally not okay to do anything a normal human can…is exhausting. And it never comes out right enough for you to stop thinking about how shit a person you are after you’ve said it.
Testing for a Laugh.
Your friend knows your plight but lets you do things so your weakness is proven. I find this happens with acquaintances who my strength terrifies. LOL you know, the person you couldn’t feel the same for. You remained friends anyway, and it’s been years but they still kinda hate you on some level. Thanks for watching me fall over while putting on my sneakers. Thanks for making me do things I’ve just told you I can’t, so you can have a giggle and save the day when it goes wrong. No, it’s not fake. No, it’s not fun, and shame on you.
People Legitimately Envy You/try to make you feel guilty/think they’re being funny.
You work short shifts, pack up and leave and someone will say “Ha! It’s all right for some!” as you pass them. Yeah, it’s so good!!!! Why don’t we trade lives? I can’t work longer, I’d like to some days, you know, be able to buy things I want or travel somewhere I’ve never been but, unfortunately, my body is attacking itself right now and the pain, lack of coordination and fatigue is bad enough that I have to close my eyes to be able to walk at my regular pace or I will veer off and fall over. I am not lucky that I have an “excuse” not to attend that thing you don’t want to go to either.
Explain Your Life in 15 Secs or Less
When a boss walking beside you in the hall asks about your illness and how you’re feeling. You can’t tell them 100%, you can’t even tell them 2% but you sure as shit have to say something and that something usually ends up slighting all you had to go through to be there. Today I told my boss I was having trouble tracking stuff because I was in a meeting with him and he was explaining contract changes and waving his hands while talking. I didn’t mention the nausea, headache, dizziness, pain, fatigue or other. They can’t help, and I already made the decision to be at work so…there isn’t much anyone can do. Also, refer to the first point – you don’t want to let the team down or look like the weakest link either.
You Can’t Do the Things You Planned/have to push back dreams.
I can’t read at my usual pace or I become dizzy and want to throw up. Yup. Life’s great right now. That means editing or creating trailers for the books gets pushed back, it means I still can’t train, means I’m still not getting exercise and I’ve been losing muscle mass. I wanted to go on a road trip with a friend but looking around out of windows gives me a headache. Some craft gives me a headache because I have to concentrate hard. I sent a package off to someone and it was the best I could do, at this time, and I feel terrible because it looks like I just slung it together! I could have done it better/sent more stuff if just standing up didn’t make me want to vomit. I wanted to meet up with some new people I met online etc , hang out with my friend at that restaurant with the others for her birthday but noise, lights sounds, people to navigate…It just can’t happen.
Pre-corona soap stash
Prep-Stylez Judgement
Life is on hold. My plans are all on hold. A lot of people are in the same situation because of Rona Boogeyman restrictions but it’s been elongated for me. I’ve been indoors unable to do the things I wanted, for a year at this point. A year. When people come over and see stocked-up items in my house there’s another reason. No, I didn’t raid supermarket shelves like corona idiots. I used to prep and also there are times when it’s hard for me to leave the house. When people come out of my bathroom and mention the spare soaps, toothpastes etc. It’s not for the reasons you think. I had a brief reprieve for a couple of months this year where I worked on projects and managed to have dinner twice with friends, then it was back to this shit. Sooo ya those three tubes of toothpaste are necessary. Mind ya business.
“But you don’t look sick.” Yes. This cliche happens!
It has only been said ONCE to me (in those exact words) and a few times using different styles, eg: “I wouldn’t have known, you appear so healthy!” This is not exactly a compliment…but okay. The first time someone said that to me I was shocked. I didn’t know how to reply, “errr, thanks?” Is it my responsibility to educate people that others can be suffering without having a bandage on their leg or a bruise around their eye to prove it? It’s kind of sad to know there are a lot of people who haven’t spared a thought for those suffering mental illness too etc. It is cringe when you read about someone confronting a person using a disabled car bay, only to find they were wrong to accuse. How did they know they were wrong? That person on the receiving end had to prove it to them, a fucking nobody that now knows all their private medical information because they were an asshole for no reason.
No Give
I briefly wrote about an altercation here. A teenage girl decided I was walking down the stairs at the station too slowly. (I was actually trying to focus on the steps because I was so dizzy and I didn’t want to trip and mow people down.) She was behind me sighing and talking under her breath that “people should hurry the fuck up.” When everyone got down to the end and there was flat ground I mumbled, “What a rude little b*tch.” And she actually yelled at me, this skinny little 15(?) year old waif of a girl I could blow over, “Well, you were just fucking standing there!” Swallowing down the urge to knock her out, I realised that full-grown adults don’t consider someone might have health issues they can’t see, let alone a kid whose only concern is what Justin Bieber now does with his time. 
I’m guilty of this too…stuck behind another car going too slow or the driver is making bad decisions and inconveniencing me. A wise man told me that “you just don’t know” what their problem is. I’ve been the girl driving home from an ex-boyfriend’s house barely able to see through tears, accidentally missing a green light. I’ve been the person that needs to pee so bad they step on the gas and switch lanes unexpectedly. Everyone has something going on some of the time. I know that when I walk to work, I have to keep pace with people, walk in a reasonably straight line, despite my symptoms dictating I should move at a snail’s pace. Some may say, take your time etc. But there is no give when you are actively being part of the world. This goes for people with severe mental illnesses too. Deviating from the norm makes you feel more alienated and creates a noticeable difference between you and the people around you, and we all want to be accepted on some level.
It’s taken me a decade to finally come to terms with the fact that this thing is a part of my identity. I HA T E when people use a diagnosis to identify themselves, as if all their shitty shortcomings can be swept away because they have a title. If you know me, you know I only disclose this stuff to certain people and not often. Because I have been a singer, performer, writer, artist, massage therapist, and more for LONGER. This thing is a sliver on my pie chart in my head…but sometimes…it’s a huge chunk in reality and it has taken a long time to accept that. It doesn’t mean it is fun.
TLDR
* I am angry.
* I am relapsing for the second obvious time this year.
*Being sick is not fun. At all.
*I had to Google the correct spelling of Justin Bieber’s name. (Because I am actually cool.)
*Sign up to the newsletter that I am launching soon. Cos, why not?
www.facebook.com/everedenauthor
www.Instagram.com/Everedenauthor
and
EVER EDEN AUTHOR on Telegram and YOUTUBE!
All content is no copyright infringement intended. All posts are opinion only and are subject to change due to experience, kicking ass and learning how to adult more effectively. If you don’t like it, don’t let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya. Elements of original content may be reproduced with expressed permission from Ever Eden
Tags: alone, autoimmune, autoimmune disease, boss, broken record, chronic illness, Confession, corona, corona boogeyman, depression, disease, elevator pitch, fatigue, insight, invisible, justin bieber, life, ND, Neurological, pain, personal, rest, rona, rona boogeyman, sad, secret, silence, sleep, thanks gardasil, the rona, unpredictable, Wisdom, work, working with an illness, youtube