Toxic Masculinity

December 1, 2022 4:30 pm Published by EverEden Leave your thoughts

There was a time in my life when I had four brothers. Prior to that, during and after, my best and closest friends have always been male; from day one of kindergarten, throughout school. This changed to work colleagues, combat sports training partners and more. I’ve always gravitated towards the male population in nearly every circumstance, except maybe healthcare, I guess? It’s usually easier to explain to a woman that your parts (that she also has) are acting the fool, although as one gets older, there are times when you have to let a male in the medical field check under the hood without even buying you dinner first! Heh.

Throughout my life, girls/women have told me (in training for eg) to “go hard, I’m used to it, I grew up with a brother,” but not many had a brother/s to the extent I did. It seems most still had an aura of caution protecting them, like a salt circle around them, someone stepping in and telling the male child to be more careful, or have more respect for the female child. My upbringing was like Lord of the fucking Flies. Growing up around different boys my whole life, different personalities and values, I do feel I’ve had a proper education into the world of the male…as far as a proud feminine, female adult can.

There are some things I’ll never know, there are some things that won’t hit the same as it would for a man, I get that…but it seems I do understand more than the average woman who sounds off on social media and tries to grift off of other equally clueless women looking for something to be angry at.

I remember reading an article by a “feminist”-type, saying that they feared for their life and safety as a lone woman around men. She said it gave her anxiety to get into an elevator with more than one man. She hadn’t been abused or suffering from PTSD due to a male-perpetrated crime but she had a perception that men were dangerous, and I can only assume that this was because of hysterical women on social media and the spin off shows and opEd takes from the #METOO saga.

When my dojo had only been around for a couple of years, I was the only female for most of the classes across the board. It was often me and 14 men in an underground room most weeknights. I have never felt more comfortable or more safe in my life. Every one of those men knew their own strength, knew who they were, and what was expected of them. There was no way any of them would hurt me on purpose to the extent I’d be injured or deliberately assaulted. If anyone came into the gym to (I dunno) hold it up or attack me or anyone else, I know it would probably be taken care of. If I struggled to learn a new technique, I know they’d stop and help me achieve the standard I wanted.

When I hear women shit on men and try to make others believe that masculinity is negative, I see them, my brother, my step brothers, my friends who have been screwed over by the family court system or have their lives ruined after an accusation that turned out to be a total lie because some crazy lady wanted attention.

This harmful concept of masculinity is based on these things:

strength

lack of emotion

self-sufficiency

dominance

sexual virility

(- pasted from one of the articles below.)

BITCH PLEASE!

How is any of this stuff negative to aspire to?

Strength: When I look for my next mistake/next Mr Ever Eden, it’s someone with balls. I like strength, in nearly all the ways that it’s manifested. That means physical, emotional and mental. I want to be around someone who challenges my brain and inspires me to become more intelligent, stronger and more capable by the way they are. Possessing strength is the ability to carry on and not let much change you while living the brutality of a human life. The human experience means you will lose loved ones, pets, jobs, opportunities. You will have regrets and live with things you can’t change, or have to recover from unfair things that are done to you. It’s who you are in the wake.

I appreciate “strong” people. I’ve never gossiped with another woman who doesn’t mention STRENGTH as a trait when describing their ideal partner. He needs to be strong and “take-charge” if/when I can’t, not fill my refrigerator with soy milk and cry because the CGI tiger in the movie dies.

He needs to be a worthy counterpart and strong enough to make up for my weaknesses or holes in my game. Not out-pussy me. A lot of the girls from my old dojo have lamented that it’s impossible to find someone that can “out man” them. I believe this is because we have our shit together for the most part. We’re used to adversity and working to get a result we want. We’re used to taking a loss, bruising egos and taking care of ourselves.

If the person we’re interested in doesn’t have a fundamental understanding of the same things due to his experience, it makes it difficult to respect them enough to trust them. I want people to have enough strength to be able to spare some if someone else needs to borrow it.

Lack of Emotion – If he’s sad, he can tell me about it. If he’s sad, he doesn’t have to tell me shit, until if and when he wants to, or he’s figured out how he’s going to move forward. Let people be who the hell they are. We all process tragedy/bad luck/trauma in our own way. You don’t have a right to expect a certain response from someone when they’re under duress, especially a member of the opposite sex. We have different hormones and responses and that’s before you even factor how someone was raised or their personal beliefs or the way they want to conduct themselves in public. (And maybe if you weren’t such an ass, he’d trust you enough to talk to you about more.)

It’s not just men who get accused of having a lack of emotion. I have female friends who are “closed books,” who don’t like to talk about their issues. They have their own way of dealing. And ask yourself, get right down into the non-biased grain of sand left in you(if it exists anymore with all the propaganda about hating men) and ask yourself, “Would I be attracted to a man/significant other who always cried and talked about their feelings?” The answer is fucking NO.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:DBT_Wise_mind.png

Sometimes my hormones make it so I want to cry and eat a load of ice cream at certain times of the month. I’m a woman. Not always emotional, but we’re predisposed to being more so than men, and if we’re both crying, snot-filled messes all the time, who the fuck is going to step up and make sure stuff runs smoothly? I’ve worked on myself enough that I don’t need to discuss every tiny thing that happens, I’ve healed from abuse, I’ve grown out of silly expectations and I’ve also learned that if you let emotions run away with you…it’s gon be a lonnng night.

There are professions improved when someone is able to compartmentalise or keep track of their feelings for eg: someone active duty needs a clear head to do their job properly, someone who is a detective on a child murder case that has kids at home. In my opinion, it’s a skill to be able to separate emotion from anything else you’re doing. I’ve watched fighters lose when they get angry, when they have a grudge against the opponent. How would it work if an EMT was bawling their eyes out because your kid was hit by a car and it was sad, rather than getting them into an ambulance for treatment? For some people, they already have a way of dealing with emotion that is different from yours or what you think is appropriate.

“WISE MIND” sits between being overly-clinical and overly-emotional. If you can get to a controlled place of response, things work out faster and more effectively.

Men, (or women) you’re allowed to cry, you’re allowed to experience despair to the point of tears, but I understand there might be a time and place. I also recommend talking to a professional sometimes, or to get another perspective or direction to move on from a problem if you’re feeling stuck. BUT if you don’t want to right now, that’s okay. No one should call you toxic for coming across with no emotion, because that’s their interpretation based on their own bias.

Self-Sufficiency – Someone who can take care of themselves, and doesn’t essentially need anyone to help them carry out their day-today, is attractive. It means I won’t have to bust my ass taking care of them. It means they won’t borrow money from me or their mother back home. They know how to operate a washing machine if they have to, and a car, they know how to budget and know when to go to the doctor and eat properly… and generally keep from dying. I have many issues in my slave gig with wives calling up on behalf of their husbands because they’re the ones who “do all of this stuff” meaning banking, updating insurance and things of that nature. Shame on them. What if your wife dies? Do you even know the wifi password? Ugh. Unless you have a injury/disability – wipe your own ass and stand on your own two feet.

Dominance – If you know better than me, then by all means, take point. I like knowing someone superior or capable has my back and knows how to lead. I don’t care about being PLAYER 2. If you’re a 250 pound, 6ft2 man – then yes, you dominate my space by default. I’m a 5ft5 female and you could bench press my dead weight…but who knows what would happen if it’s a battle of the educated mind? All of us like to be the top scorer and “dominate” the field we choose to excel in, male or female. For some, it will be about ego, for others it’s more about achieving a sense of pride or recognition for their hard work. It’s a part of life. You are always going to meet someone more likable in a group or stronger than you. It’s not the concept of dominance, it’s the possibility for a damaged person using it to feel better about themselves – both sexes.

Sexual Virility – How is this a problem if you are involved in a healthy relationship with them? Don’t you want good quality sexy time with your significant other? Men are wired differently and sexuality is a part of that. They’re allowed to want to do the wild thang more than you do. Like the dominance or the strength point, it’s not that there is anything wrong with these things, some of ya’ll just basing it on the scum you’re consistently bedding and calling it “toxic.” If you interpret sexual virility as meaning the man is definitely going to cheat on you, then he’s going to sexually assault someone, it’s because you either read too much outrage culture clickbait posts, or you’ve had some back luck with shitty people.

And, on that point, always remember that shitty people come in both sexes.

I’ve been blessed to know beautiful souls in the shapes of men.

Sources, for anyone with sand in their vagina:

https://theconversation.com/toxic-masculinity-what-does-it-mean-where-did-it-come-from-and-is-the-term-useful-or-harmful-189298

https://www.verywellmind.com/the-dangerous-mental-health-effects-of-toxic-masculinity-5073957

https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-toxic-masculinity-5075107

https://www.healthline.com/health/toxic-masculinity#traits

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Toxic_masculinity

https://bigthink.com/the-present/toxic-masculinity-myth/

https://www.bbc.co.uk/bitesize/guides/z3ng2p3/revision/4