Two Cups, No Girls.
December 12, 2019 3:33 am Leave your thoughts
My slave gig ran a fire drill today. Consider me burnt to a crisp.
When I found out I was getting paid to walk around pretending things were on fire, I was in. I’ve been a part of a few fire drills in my time and it’s usually a great chance to mess around with your co-workers and waste an hour outside. I ALSO genuinely wanted to know how to get out of the place if it suddenly caught fire too. Yes, really. I had no idea where any of the exits were (besides the elevators) and didn’t know where we were supposed to meet once we left the building.
Within moments though, it felt like I was receiving yet another lesson in how incompetent people are generally, even if they’ve been bestowed the responsibility of wearing a bright yellow hat and shouting at you to get up against a wall like it’s a police line up.
Evidently, there were a lot of people in the building because we were lined up against the wall by the exit stairwell for at least 10mins waiting for other teams to make their way out first.
I’m reasonably sure we would have been on fire at this point.
Then finally on our descent, the people in front of me waddled and trudged down the stairs like loaded snails before we had to stop and wait a few times, for no clear reason.
It was fucking harrowing and I felt ripped off that nothing was actually on fire by then. I was sandwiched between a lady with a body odour problem in a really ugly dress and the dude who wants to have my babies (and whose clothes smelled damp, like when you accidentally leave your shit in the washing machine too long.)
A lady a few people behind me was saying she needed air and had to get out soon but the other stairwell doors were locked and she was having to slum it with the rest of us like we were all 3rd class passengers on the Titanic.
She also decided to start debating the guy behind me about the rules of engagement on 9/11, and he started talking about airspace regulations.
Do you know how hard it is to keep quiet about the NORAD stand down order?
Waiting around on a stairwell corner between two floors, I texted my friend about a gaming update, thought about CC, and wondered if I should have brought the beta hard copy of Red Cowboys with me in case we were going to be outside for a while. Then I looked to my right and saw two coffee cups on the floor in the corner.
((For some reason, I didn’t take a picture so you’ll just have to imagine.))
They were regular size, disposable and stout. One had a white lid, the other darker with brown stick-looking patterns, sitting side by side and nameless. The first thing that came to mind was “hurr durr, 2 girls, one cup.”
I have toilet humour, a vast collection of dank memes, and grew up surrounded by a harem of mischievous men. I’ve never actually seen the aforementioned clip (and don’t want to.)
While we waited in the stairwell, I came up with stories about how the cups got there:
Some guy talking to his colleague and he finally tells her that he’s caught feelings so they discard their coffee together and leave to get a real drink.
Some overweight, balding guy from accounting doesn’t want his team to know he hoovers a bunch of food and two coffees before he braves the day, because he needs to crunch numbers and then go home to a wife who hates him.
The cups belonged to people who will go on to die in our make-believe fire.
That got dark fast, but you get the idea.
Inspiration can come from anywhere and I don’t believe in Writer’s Block! It actually made some of the experience palatable. Apparently, the real reason the cups were there was because people were told to dump their coffees as it was a hazard during the drill, but who wants to imagine that boring-as-hell stuff?!
My group got a third of the way to the ‘safety point’ outside and were greeted by others who had escaped the invisible raging inferno before us. They instructed us to turn around and head back. Why? Because we were flooding public access areas with our corporate O.H.S bullshit.
I know safety is important but they couldn’t even cater for that?! I still don’t know where to go in case of a fire.
All in all, we did waste an hour because some genius didn’t unlock the stairwells so hundreds of people had to file into elevators to get back to work, and I was able to come up with new ideas for romantic comedies I will never write…It ended up being okay. But the best part was going home. The end.
TLDR:
*Inspiration can come from anywhere. Everything has a story.
*Follow instructions but always remember you are an individual and not everyone will know better than you simply because of what they are wearing, their title or their age.
*If you want to debate 9/11, pack your arsenal, and never refer to Popular Mechanics because I will just laugh.
*Fire Drills are important but also fucking lame.
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Tags: 2 girls one cup, 9/11, accouting, artistic, building, burned, canada, Canadian cock, cc, Cheney, coffee, coffee cups, cups, fat dude, fire drill, guy who wants to have my babies, inside job, norad, not porn, red cowboys, safety, slave gig, stairwell, stand down order, unrequited, work, world trade centre