When I Say Thank You

February 10, 2022 3:25 pm Published by EverEden Leave your thoughts

 

When Red Cowboys is finally released, there will be the obligatory thank you page. One page is not enough….

I couldn’t explain how the last years have been since KOS was published quickly…besides some kind of haiku like

Thought I would be fine

Sick as fuck I almost died

Coming back is hard.

Maybe I’ll include that in the book instead. LOL

My thank you page will mention beautiful people in my life, and your lovely selves for your patience and understanding while I gasped for air.

My battle with illness is always vague on here. I have a few diagnoseses…diagnosi…whatever, that effect my life. If you’re a frequent reader, you’ll know about the PTSD, and nerve issues etc. That’s all you need to know for now, until if/when I write that action-packed, dramatic memoir. 😛 When someone is diagnosed with a disease or health issue, some make it a large chunk, if not, their entire identity.

I have illnesses. I live in spite of inconvenience, sometimes pain. I do all the things I want anyway, and my illnesses are a sliver in the pizza pie chart of what I’ve made this life.

HOWEVER,

…one of the reasons Red Cowboys has taken over 4 years to reach a stage where I’m content to release is because I have not been well at all. Physically or mentally. Pain in these two areas was so constant that I barely noticed I was living on the edge of agony every day.

There were 6 main things that happened (in the physical area:) 3 hospitalisations, and also 3 lots of random months of disability, in some capacity.  You guys know I broke a rib for eg. I’m not sure I wrote about the admissions to hospital to get a catheter (and other) because my bladder shut down and refused to empty, then expanded to the point where I was extremely lucky not to suffer permanent damage. I don’t think I wrote about the brain swelling bouts either.

Mentally – Holy fucking shit. I did not know how long it would take to repair my bleeding and decimated insides, the strewn and festering decaying flesh of dreams that would no longer eventuate. I didn’t know my PTSD was still kicking either! I thought it’d died down…but I was still living a lot of it in ways I hadn’t come across before so I didn’t recognise some of it.

After much counselling and hard work on my mental health, there was a day in Nov 2020 where I broke through some of the glass that had a l w a y s kept me living OUTSIDE the moment. For the first time in my life, I was THERE. And everything was ironically surreal to me because I wasn’t standing outside what was going on but I was living it…and I couldn’t remember a time when that had happened before. Headfuck and a half!

The man I credit this with is VJ. Of course, years of counselling too, everything they make you go through when you’re dealing with aftermaths of trauma. This man though, he set a large part of me free. VJ, you have changed my life, not just that day…but with your subsequent selfless generosity. You’re a beautiful soul that is a part of mine forever. You are fucking perfect, just out of my reach, but perfect and I know you will go on to do amazing things in this life.

Gained Angels – 2021, saw my receding grief make a come back . After I was incrementally getting myself back on track after my heart was smashed into even smaller pieces than it already was, I went to the cemetery to visit a friend from my youth. I saw a headstone belonging to another friend I had no idea had passed  away. Walking up to it was like a movie, and shakily sitting in front of it to make sure I wasn’t imagining it, was a mixture of shock/sad and something like, “Oh! There you are, my friend!” – which felt very strange.

He was a great man who contributed to what is my personality now. I wrote a giant blog post about him here. 

I also lost one of my best friends, Rob, whom I wrote about here and here. That is all I want to say about that topic in this post.

My Dojo and people there. Fuck, I think about it every single day- you don’t just spend years somewhere, learning who you are and stop thinking about it. I want to go back. My balls grew there, I was a strong person walking in, but while I was there – I was still suffering greatly and working through a lot, it made it very hard to advance to what I wanted in the martial arts realms because I’d get to the place after or before some kind of trauma. Now, I have to some adulting-regular-life shit I have to do for a while but WHEN I go back, I’ll be in a better place mentally to take on more of the challenges. I owe that place a lot and I wish there was a way to make a first impression again. 🙂

Miss Evans – I can still hear you threatening me and calling me names because I haven’t released Red Cowboys. 😀  This makes me lol even though you’re on the other side of the country right now.

Pat – from the start…you’ve supported me and encouraged me to fly.

 

 

TLDR: I’m going to add more to this. There aren’t enough pages or blog posts to show my gratitude to those people who have helped me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Tags: adulting, anxiety, awaited, book dedication, cc, Confession, confusion, dedication, despair, disease, Distraction, family, fodder, FOXY STOAT, GAD, glory to god, grow, illness, life, lost love, love, MANUEL, memoir, MEMOIR FODDER, miss evans, pat, personal, personality, pizza, PTSD, red cowboys, ROB, souls, suicidal, thank you, thank you page, unrequited, VJ, when i say thank you